how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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