yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
