Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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