Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
