well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
