My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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