You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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