so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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