Betty ford says i'm here all night
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
