i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
