I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
