win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
