Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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