i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize