I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
