I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
