Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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