This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
