If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
