The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
