he puts the penis in happiness.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
