u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
