Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
