I wish I could teleport
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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