Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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