Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
