someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
