I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
