I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
