My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
