I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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