i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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