Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
