Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
