I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
