Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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