Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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