Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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