mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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