don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
