im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
