I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
