Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Is Oprah even human
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
