alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
