he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
