I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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