Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
When are your genitals available?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
