Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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