mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
