I skipped work to stalk him.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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