God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So much Jack, so little girl.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize