what day is it and did you see me today?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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