So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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