I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
