i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
