Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
