I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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