my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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