I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
