Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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